I am seeing an alarming slide continue in the Corporate world. We have HR which ostensibly protects both the company and its employees. We have an Ethics Hotline and an 'Open Door' policy. And none of this prevents managers refusing vacation time, bereavement
time or helping out the over worked with comp time as appropriate.
Great companies are built upon the backbone of its stellar employees. Stellar does not mean you have no personal life or have the opinion that life at your company would cease to exist were you to take some time off. What it means is that you work diligently, get the job done, are easy to work with, a team player who can be counted on. You work an average of 40 hours a week and make that count. That is all you should ever have to work, an average of 40 hours.
No matter who you are, 12 hour days, non stop, are not a badge of honor; they are a sign that either you or your company is out of balance and is not efficient. I am not talking of folks who work such shifts as 10 hour days 4 days a week with 3 days off; that has balance to it. I am talking of folks who get paid to work 40 hour weeks (Exempt) but end up with enough work to keep 3 people too busy and the expectation that they owe the company their personal time beyond the 8 hours actually paid for.
When a corporation loses sight of at least pretending to care about its employees, they run afoul. In this age where a job cannot be counted on, it becomes ever more important to treat employees fairly while they are employed, with the highest of ethics, to mitigate lawsuits. A neighbor commented during a recent conversation that nowadays, Corporations don't act appropriately until they get sued. This would be why there are so many class action lawsuits the last 15+ years and ramping up. It doesn't have to be that way. Workers, by accepting the paycheck, it is legally incumbent upon you to work your level best and to treat your work as if you owned the company, meaning doing the right thing every day. Corporations, treat your employees right, work load balance appropriately when you see someone drowning in work. Assure your team takes their PTO, mentor, coach and counsel and document and write up employees with issues as is necessary. Corporations, know that when we worker-bees see peers who lose their parents and are forced into giving up their bereavement time, it makes all of us that see this, spitting nails angry. We want acknowledgement for being good employees and we hold the Corporation accountable for removal of dead weight non performers. Yes, all of us are tracking and documenting too, and we'd all prefer not to have to lawyer up to get a real work and life balance, to actually get back our private time! We just want to be treated well at work please and allowed to go home.
http://petitions.moveon.org/sign/stop-unreasonably-long.fb48?source=s.icn.fb&r_by=14608049
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
What I Want My Employer To Know or The Customer Who Screamed At Me While Sitting In My Porsche
Having been in the Corporate world for 25 years now and have a message that all bosses should hear.
I want my Manager to really look into the entire value add of each individual. Begin this task by asking for annual peer reviews, submitted by both peers and team members who have worked on a project together. Take the comments seriously.
I want my Employer to realize the only difference in an hourly employee and a salary one is that before I got paid for each hour of work and today I work for free and sometimes maybe 16+ hour days. And, what exactly IS salary plus, whereby a worker works what I call 'over employed' hours and gets half their rate of pay? Does that mean the employee should work at half their rate of expertise? Sorry, but that is what I would feel like doing if I were in that situation. But I am not. Instead I work for free...not happy about that one either.
The people who are motivated to get the job done and take pride in their work, are the very same people you have employed here today, be they hourly or salary and salary plus should be revamped as it is, as it stands, very insulting.
The same goof offs remain either at an hourly rate or a salaried one and if salaried it probably means me or someone else is doing their work because they aren't. (see Peer Review suggestion above)
I tend to work very quietly and absorb everything because I believe that if my job is done correctly, my manager is not spending time on escalations but on reports. Please acknowledge that quiet is good.
I want my Employer to know that on that account with the weekly escalations which ceased after the account was assigned to me; That wasn't luck, and it wasn't that I had a cush base with not much going on. It was because I had done a Vulcan mind meld with the customer, anticipated needs and next steps, provided prompt answers and got things done promptly, explained delays and issues preventing implementation with enough detail that the customer saw no benefit in an escalation because the customer realized if an escalation was necessary then I would do that better, knowing who, exactly, to escalate the concern to.
Please understand that the sane folks who work for you, really hate working 12 hour days because we want and do have a life apart from our career...at least we did before we started working all those long hours. 8 hours is already a very long stretch. If a stellar employee is 'overemployed' this means you, dear Employer, are either understaffed or the work load is unequally balanced. That's not my fault and I am not your band aide so please FIX that please! And YES, we do want compensation for all the 'non paid over-employed' hours and no, we do not want to be in the position of having to ask you for it, it should be obvious to you and freely given. This is time out of our life, time we would prefer to spend with family, working out or walking the dog. Instead, this time was donated to you, company, so please recognize that we only put in the long days because it was necessary to keep the base from exploding, work left undone, with resultant escalations or account (revenue) loss. We may love what we do, but just prefer not to be 'overemployed' at it. As a bonus, a balanced employee brings more to everything they do at work; a true value add and with lower healthcare costs. Shine By Example! I want my Employer to notice and appreciate when I volunteer to cover folks while they are out, change or even cancel vacation time to help out on a project. I want you to know how much all the kind words in my annual review mean to me, even if there is no raise and that I struggle all of the time to balance what I have with what I want, (that freakin raise) to remain humble and thankful. I want my Employer to know that I take a lot of pride in my work and in managing the challenges, even when one time this customer, who is a friend now, screamed at me during a meeting that I on purpose took from my Porsche so that I would have something lovely to look at while I got my arse handed to me. It is specifically for the thrill of turning a bad customer situation good that I love what I do. I want my Employer to understand that Customer Whisperer is a skill (and maybe worth a raise). I want EVERYBODY to know that when I am working from home, (that includes you, Mother!) I am working at home. I am at my home office and it doesn't matter that I am a block away, no I cannot take you grocery shopping while my employer foots the bill for my time. I do not have it easy, I am not working light days or sipping bloody marys and cold chilling with the TV on, bored out of my skull waiting for you to call me to chat. 98% of the time, the employee who overachieves at the office, will go and do so at home. It doesn't matter where they are, they are committed. If their base is busy, they are busy. Likewise, the employee who sluffs off at work and carts around Avon products to sell up and down cube isles instead of doing their job (yep, we really had one of those) is not going to somehow mystically become a value add at home. Please, Dear God in heaven, do not point her out and exclaim how people who work from home, don't do as good a job. Manager, you knew she was selling Avon at work and that work had no affiliation with Avon so it is your fault; own it and stop pointing the finger at all the great workers who work from home. Mother, call HE, the Avon lady, to take you shopping! Spoiler Alert! Working from home does not spoil me either, not when I am over employed, working my typical long hours. On the fleeting occasions that I enjoy an 8 hour day, then, yes, thank you, I have now saved gas, time in driving in, have put in a load of laundry on my break and straightened up the coffee table so I am quite thankful. And if my days were all like this, oh my, I would be very spoiled. But it was a very bad call when while working 12 and 16 hour days on an 18 month project, my then manager said I was so spoiled to be able to work from home. I want my Employer to understand 'timing'. I want my Employer to understand the truth is that no, it is my Employer who is spoiled and that I can only support all of this overemployment time because I can roll out of bed, not brush my hair, work in my jammies and let my house and personal life become a real wreck. If my Employer expected me to actually drive in some place and look reasonable and do a 12 hour + day well, that would be a real deal breaker! I want my Employer to know that I feel decently paid for an 8 hour day and exceedingly under paid during the times I am over employed. Let's please work hard on load balancing so that my future is so bright I gotta wear shades. I don't really care how bad you say the economy is or isn't because I give my best I want the best given back. I want some real appreciation for all of the folks who are great at being a team player. It's not easy and some folks who work here really make it much harder than it needs to be. Those of us who team play very well hope that the management is taking names and doing coaching and counselling at some point because psssst some of those problem children are still here. It doesnt matter how good they sell, how great they schmooze. What matters is the entire package, meaning that they don't burn up all that sales revenue in management and unnecessary chaos and micromanagement of the downstream groups. Once, a sales rep blamed someone on her team for something she actually had done that caused a serious customer event. The stress this caused on the wrongly blamed person, nearly caused her to lose her baby. She was rushed to the hospital and placed on bedrest the remainder of the term. Years go by but I still wonder why that sales rep is still employed here. I want my Manager to fearlessly tell it like it is to the EVPs, to my CEO and anybody else that will listen, to share and not bury the truth. Otherwise the candle of light remains in the dark, no help to anyone. Everything is a balance. Each employee, over the course of their history, from the top down, should exhibit balance in management of the company. It is encumbent upon the top management of the company to edify that balance and expect this balance to be passed down to all employees, regardless of whether they are exempt or non exempt. It is encumbent upon all of us to share the truth.
I want my Manager to really look into the entire value add of each individual. Begin this task by asking for annual peer reviews, submitted by both peers and team members who have worked on a project together. Take the comments seriously.
I want my Employer to realize the only difference in an hourly employee and a salary one is that before I got paid for each hour of work and today I work for free and sometimes maybe 16+ hour days. And, what exactly IS salary plus, whereby a worker works what I call 'over employed' hours and gets half their rate of pay? Does that mean the employee should work at half their rate of expertise? Sorry, but that is what I would feel like doing if I were in that situation. But I am not. Instead I work for free...not happy about that one either.
The people who are motivated to get the job done and take pride in their work, are the very same people you have employed here today, be they hourly or salary and salary plus should be revamped as it is, as it stands, very insulting.
The same goof offs remain either at an hourly rate or a salaried one and if salaried it probably means me or someone else is doing their work because they aren't. (see Peer Review suggestion above)
I tend to work very quietly and absorb everything because I believe that if my job is done correctly, my manager is not spending time on escalations but on reports. Please acknowledge that quiet is good.
I want my Employer to know that on that account with the weekly escalations which ceased after the account was assigned to me; That wasn't luck, and it wasn't that I had a cush base with not much going on. It was because I had done a Vulcan mind meld with the customer, anticipated needs and next steps, provided prompt answers and got things done promptly, explained delays and issues preventing implementation with enough detail that the customer saw no benefit in an escalation because the customer realized if an escalation was necessary then I would do that better, knowing who, exactly, to escalate the concern to.
Please understand that the sane folks who work for you, really hate working 12 hour days because we want and do have a life apart from our career...at least we did before we started working all those long hours. 8 hours is already a very long stretch. If a stellar employee is 'overemployed' this means you, dear Employer, are either understaffed or the work load is unequally balanced. That's not my fault and I am not your band aide so please FIX that please! And YES, we do want compensation for all the 'non paid over-employed' hours and no, we do not want to be in the position of having to ask you for it, it should be obvious to you and freely given. This is time out of our life, time we would prefer to spend with family, working out or walking the dog. Instead, this time was donated to you, company, so please recognize that we only put in the long days because it was necessary to keep the base from exploding, work left undone, with resultant escalations or account (revenue) loss. We may love what we do, but just prefer not to be 'overemployed' at it. As a bonus, a balanced employee brings more to everything they do at work; a true value add and with lower healthcare costs. Shine By Example! I want my Employer to notice and appreciate when I volunteer to cover folks while they are out, change or even cancel vacation time to help out on a project. I want you to know how much all the kind words in my annual review mean to me, even if there is no raise and that I struggle all of the time to balance what I have with what I want, (that freakin raise) to remain humble and thankful. I want my Employer to know that I take a lot of pride in my work and in managing the challenges, even when one time this customer, who is a friend now, screamed at me during a meeting that I on purpose took from my Porsche so that I would have something lovely to look at while I got my arse handed to me. It is specifically for the thrill of turning a bad customer situation good that I love what I do. I want my Employer to understand that Customer Whisperer is a skill (and maybe worth a raise). I want EVERYBODY to know that when I am working from home, (that includes you, Mother!) I am working at home. I am at my home office and it doesn't matter that I am a block away, no I cannot take you grocery shopping while my employer foots the bill for my time. I do not have it easy, I am not working light days or sipping bloody marys and cold chilling with the TV on, bored out of my skull waiting for you to call me to chat. 98% of the time, the employee who overachieves at the office, will go and do so at home. It doesn't matter where they are, they are committed. If their base is busy, they are busy. Likewise, the employee who sluffs off at work and carts around Avon products to sell up and down cube isles instead of doing their job (yep, we really had one of those) is not going to somehow mystically become a value add at home. Please, Dear God in heaven, do not point her out and exclaim how people who work from home, don't do as good a job. Manager, you knew she was selling Avon at work and that work had no affiliation with Avon so it is your fault; own it and stop pointing the finger at all the great workers who work from home. Mother, call HE, the Avon lady, to take you shopping! Spoiler Alert! Working from home does not spoil me either, not when I am over employed, working my typical long hours. On the fleeting occasions that I enjoy an 8 hour day, then, yes, thank you, I have now saved gas, time in driving in, have put in a load of laundry on my break and straightened up the coffee table so I am quite thankful. And if my days were all like this, oh my, I would be very spoiled. But it was a very bad call when while working 12 and 16 hour days on an 18 month project, my then manager said I was so spoiled to be able to work from home. I want my Employer to understand 'timing'. I want my Employer to understand the truth is that no, it is my Employer who is spoiled and that I can only support all of this overemployment time because I can roll out of bed, not brush my hair, work in my jammies and let my house and personal life become a real wreck. If my Employer expected me to actually drive in some place and look reasonable and do a 12 hour + day well, that would be a real deal breaker! I want my Employer to know that I feel decently paid for an 8 hour day and exceedingly under paid during the times I am over employed. Let's please work hard on load balancing so that my future is so bright I gotta wear shades. I don't really care how bad you say the economy is or isn't because I give my best I want the best given back. I want some real appreciation for all of the folks who are great at being a team player. It's not easy and some folks who work here really make it much harder than it needs to be. Those of us who team play very well hope that the management is taking names and doing coaching and counselling at some point because psssst some of those problem children are still here. It doesnt matter how good they sell, how great they schmooze. What matters is the entire package, meaning that they don't burn up all that sales revenue in management and unnecessary chaos and micromanagement of the downstream groups. Once, a sales rep blamed someone on her team for something she actually had done that caused a serious customer event. The stress this caused on the wrongly blamed person, nearly caused her to lose her baby. She was rushed to the hospital and placed on bedrest the remainder of the term. Years go by but I still wonder why that sales rep is still employed here. I want my Manager to fearlessly tell it like it is to the EVPs, to my CEO and anybody else that will listen, to share and not bury the truth. Otherwise the candle of light remains in the dark, no help to anyone. Everything is a balance. Each employee, over the course of their history, from the top down, should exhibit balance in management of the company. It is encumbent upon the top management of the company to edify that balance and expect this balance to be passed down to all employees, regardless of whether they are exempt or non exempt. It is encumbent upon all of us to share the truth.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Random Acts of Crazy - My Mother
I used to hear my husband, in hushed tones to his side of the family prior to marriage exclaiming "she is not related by blood, so it's ok." While I am adopted, in all honesty, everyone else in the family is just fine, thank you. My brothers, John and Dody are both within the levels agreed upon as acting with sanity. Mother, however, is plain crazy, always has been.
Trying to get the family back together, I've staged gatherings at the house and tried to get relatives far flung together for awhile. Mother and brother Dody now live accross the alley from me in a retirement home. Brother John, in Seattle and with a schedule perhaps even busier than mine.
She is a master at keeping the attention focused on her. She's 84 but relatively healthy. She likes to speak of her immenent death in front of my terminally ill with bone cancer brother Dody. Every holiday includes a missive from her about dying. In fact, she told Michael and I not to invite her to our wedding 15 years back because she would be dying soon.
So the visit with my brothers was so nice. And the entire time was spent with all of us leaving her alone at some point on the sofa to go someplace else, kitchen, balcony, porch, to get a breather before diving back into dealing with her.
Michael prepared a lovely lunch feast to take to the winery, paying attention to her food preferences. But on the way there, we hear "I've changed my mind,Times Ten is for young people, take me home." Then she wanted to bolt home as lunch was being served the next day. And, no, she did not want to rejoin us after resting, for dinner that evening with cousin Steve (one of her very favorite people). I finally had to ask, since John was leaving the following day, should he just call his good bye to her? She got silent and I interjected that it was her choice being made to separate from her sons and her family because somehow she was trying to pin this one on me, much like everything else. John was only here 3 days for pete's sake. But I guess all the attetion was just not on her. Most hurtful is her rants about what a bad daughter I am, that I have not been there for her or done enough for her lately or, even worse, stolen money from her. She claimed, while my brothers were visiting that when she was laid up, a few years ago, I paid her bills and took out an extra $300.00 for myself. In reality, we've bought so much for her, from furniture to groceries over the years, I am just shocked she'd go into a lie like that. She is on a tiny stipend that I subsidize routinely. But our subsidy has substantially reduced in scale over the last few years due to her ungreatful attitude and blame. It made us both so weary giving and giving and getting blamed. We still do things for her, but on a much more limited basis, on our time not hers.
My husband was so good, dealing with her this week, because we had to pick her up each day to visit over here with Dody and John, whereas, we normally limit our visits with her to once or twice a month because she is so intollerable when seen too much. Fran hates everything, people, life, her apartment, living and dying. It gets old hearing it. She sees a Mexican and shouts 'Oh, run him over!' whiile we are riding in the car together.
You can't fix stupid and you can't fix crazy...not when crazy doesn't want to be fixed. Now that John is back in Seattle, I am taking some time away from mommy dearest to decompress.
Upon her death I am going to try very very very hard to think on the good times. We, none of us, can ever take back what is said. Mother is a great lesson on what not to do and what not to say.
Trying to get the family back together, I've staged gatherings at the house and tried to get relatives far flung together for awhile. Mother and brother Dody now live accross the alley from me in a retirement home. Brother John, in Seattle and with a schedule perhaps even busier than mine.
She is a master at keeping the attention focused on her. She's 84 but relatively healthy. She likes to speak of her immenent death in front of my terminally ill with bone cancer brother Dody. Every holiday includes a missive from her about dying. In fact, she told Michael and I not to invite her to our wedding 15 years back because she would be dying soon.
So the visit with my brothers was so nice. And the entire time was spent with all of us leaving her alone at some point on the sofa to go someplace else, kitchen, balcony, porch, to get a breather before diving back into dealing with her.
Michael prepared a lovely lunch feast to take to the winery, paying attention to her food preferences. But on the way there, we hear "I've changed my mind,Times Ten is for young people, take me home." Then she wanted to bolt home as lunch was being served the next day. And, no, she did not want to rejoin us after resting, for dinner that evening with cousin Steve (one of her very favorite people). I finally had to ask, since John was leaving the following day, should he just call his good bye to her? She got silent and I interjected that it was her choice being made to separate from her sons and her family because somehow she was trying to pin this one on me, much like everything else. John was only here 3 days for pete's sake. But I guess all the attetion was just not on her. Most hurtful is her rants about what a bad daughter I am, that I have not been there for her or done enough for her lately or, even worse, stolen money from her. She claimed, while my brothers were visiting that when she was laid up, a few years ago, I paid her bills and took out an extra $300.00 for myself. In reality, we've bought so much for her, from furniture to groceries over the years, I am just shocked she'd go into a lie like that. She is on a tiny stipend that I subsidize routinely. But our subsidy has substantially reduced in scale over the last few years due to her ungreatful attitude and blame. It made us both so weary giving and giving and getting blamed. We still do things for her, but on a much more limited basis, on our time not hers.
My husband was so good, dealing with her this week, because we had to pick her up each day to visit over here with Dody and John, whereas, we normally limit our visits with her to once or twice a month because she is so intollerable when seen too much. Fran hates everything, people, life, her apartment, living and dying. It gets old hearing it. She sees a Mexican and shouts 'Oh, run him over!' whiile we are riding in the car together.
You can't fix stupid and you can't fix crazy...not when crazy doesn't want to be fixed. Now that John is back in Seattle, I am taking some time away from mommy dearest to decompress.
Upon her death I am going to try very very very hard to think on the good times. We, none of us, can ever take back what is said. Mother is a great lesson on what not to do and what not to say.
Sephora As Scrooge
I've been shopping at Sephora for decades....yeah, DECADES. Not after this week. It began first with my not receiving anything as a beauty insider but what I really wanted was a price match because their competition had the same exact thing for the same price, less a 20% off discount just for Christmas.
Since the 20% would have saved me $82.00, this is a big deal. I plan to refuse shipment since it took 3 days for Sephora to actually respond with any firm answer. But how sad that a decent sized company would rather piss off and alienate their customer base instead of giving during the holiday season when their competition is.
Buy Bye Sephora....
Since the 20% would have saved me $82.00, this is a big deal. I plan to refuse shipment since it took 3 days for Sephora to actually respond with any firm answer. But how sad that a decent sized company would rather piss off and alienate their customer base instead of giving during the holiday season when their competition is.
Buy Bye Sephora....
Friday, August 17, 2012
Collection Calls on my Dying Brother
Dear representative who is trying to collect a balance due from Carl E Clark:
Carl is my brother. He is terminal with bone cancer. While working, he sent his money home via Direct Deposit, to his girlfriend, Carol Noren, of 18 years who was ostensibly paying all the bills and managing his funds. As a truck driver, he was home about 30 days out of the year. I suppose Carol got real used to spending his money and not having him around.
In September 2011, when he returned home to his girlfriend, broken, disabled and dying, she sent him, to Dallas on a one way ticket. Without any approvals from me. No, I had no idea she was just going to ship off a brother I’d not seen in 20 years for me to take care of now that he was underfoot and not earning.
Before Carol stopped working over 15 years ago (if you don’t consider cheating my brother a carreer), Carol was a financial planner and managed two Edward Jones locations. She has maintained her own retirement accounts so I am sure she looks real good on paper. After requesting the records, I was the money trails of her transferring cash over from their joint account to her own personal account month after month, year after year. She was entrusted with assuring they had a good retirement to fall back on. But I guess she was just concerned that SHE had a good retirement.
He arrived in Dallas with $60.00 in his wallet. And that would be it.
Now that he is getting some social security payments, I have been sending in payments toward his balance, as he has enough money left over to do so.
But now I receive all these ‘demand’ letters, telling me I am late in paying and how my cooperation is urgently needed. NOTHING in this world is more urgent than death. Honestly people! These balances are small. They are the residual of what is left AFTER Carl’s insurance paid you the bulk. Let it go.
Carol had supposedly paid all his old medical balances. And now, each week I get letters forwarded where she has scratched her address (that my brother paid for) off the bills. Keep in mind, these are bills my brother has never seen, never got the original or what was or wasn’t filed with insurance so we are pretty much having to trust that you are not overcharging.
Her is the plan. While he breathes air, I will, unless further harassed, continue to pay based upon whatever cash is available, monthly or bi monthly, until he either expires or you are paid off. ALL further payments stop if I get even one more call or harassing letter over this.
The man doesn’t have a credit rating to F with. And I doubt where he is going an 800 credit score is going to do much for him. So cease and desist with the nasty letters . Got it? Thank you.
Regards,
Karmah
Carl is my brother. He is terminal with bone cancer. While working, he sent his money home via Direct Deposit, to his girlfriend, Carol Noren, of 18 years who was ostensibly paying all the bills and managing his funds. As a truck driver, he was home about 30 days out of the year. I suppose Carol got real used to spending his money and not having him around.
In September 2011, when he returned home to his girlfriend, broken, disabled and dying, she sent him, to Dallas on a one way ticket. Without any approvals from me. No, I had no idea she was just going to ship off a brother I’d not seen in 20 years for me to take care of now that he was underfoot and not earning.
Before Carol stopped working over 15 years ago (if you don’t consider cheating my brother a carreer), Carol was a financial planner and managed two Edward Jones locations. She has maintained her own retirement accounts so I am sure she looks real good on paper. After requesting the records, I was the money trails of her transferring cash over from their joint account to her own personal account month after month, year after year. She was entrusted with assuring they had a good retirement to fall back on. But I guess she was just concerned that SHE had a good retirement.
He arrived in Dallas with $60.00 in his wallet. And that would be it.
Now that he is getting some social security payments, I have been sending in payments toward his balance, as he has enough money left over to do so.
But now I receive all these ‘demand’ letters, telling me I am late in paying and how my cooperation is urgently needed. NOTHING in this world is more urgent than death. Honestly people! These balances are small. They are the residual of what is left AFTER Carl’s insurance paid you the bulk. Let it go.
Carol had supposedly paid all his old medical balances. And now, each week I get letters forwarded where she has scratched her address (that my brother paid for) off the bills. Keep in mind, these are bills my brother has never seen, never got the original or what was or wasn’t filed with insurance so we are pretty much having to trust that you are not overcharging.
Her is the plan. While he breathes air, I will, unless further harassed, continue to pay based upon whatever cash is available, monthly or bi monthly, until he either expires or you are paid off. ALL further payments stop if I get even one more call or harassing letter over this.
The man doesn’t have a credit rating to F with. And I doubt where he is going an 800 credit score is going to do much for him. So cease and desist with the nasty letters . Got it? Thank you.
Regards,
Karmah
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Perspective is Everything
It is interesting the reality others (and ourselves) live in. I hired a guy, let's call him Ernie, who has built houses, has a lot of expertise, and has, for the last several years, been hired by me to do work on our home. He's laid tile and painted, mostly. While the work he does is very good, my beef is that he typically works 2-3 hour days, dragging his projects way out. This encroaches on my other plans by doing so, I've had to cancel all sorts of dinner engagements etc and he doesn't seem to get that. Additionally, it makes it a real challenge to assess exactly how long he really worked on x project, as his 'labor' is supposed to be $50.00 per hour. Next, he does not seem to be able to include, in his quote, the full scope of what he might get into on x project. Lastly, he has never failed to run into something more involved than what it appeared to be initially, therefore, the end result is that he quotes one price, then actually charges alot more. This can be both understandable in some instances, and budget and patience buggering in others. The day I decided never to hire him again, when my brain finally snapped, was recently over some wood rot on our front columns. The columns were originally finished out and painted. Ernie looked and advised he could repair the columns for $500.00. I hired him making me his boss. The day he showed up to begin the work, the price tripled with the explanation that he (as always) found the work to encompass more than he originally bargained for. As he went to work, he found materials that looked like wood but would be impervious to rot, matched everything up and did a lovely job as far as it went. But at just over $1400.00, triple the original quote, he suddenly tossed re-painting the columns back my way and I am just done. Sure, we talked. He went from "Well, if I SAID I'd paint, then I will, to backing out once more, because if he painted he'd be "working for free" to saying he'd do the top half once I got the lower half (The part I could reach myself) done. It did not matter that I felt the top half should be done first (to avoid paint dripping down below on the other colours we were doing at the base). It did not matter the columns were painted before so I expected his repair to include repainting. In the end, he demanded his money and left the job unfinished....unpainted. With layoffs rampant and so many people I know looking for work, the funniest is how Ernie kept saying if he painted the columns he'd be "working for free". What I saw was it took him from 2/17 until 3/7, taking 7 days off the job and working a max of 4 hours at any given time. I don't even wonder how my boss would feel if I only did a portion of a project assigned to me brilliantly but then stopped, explaining that to do any further work would mean that I'd be working for free. I already know that the next project I'd be working on would be looking for work...elsewhere...just like Ernie is now.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Dr. Phil Didn't Respond
Marriage. While it has been quite a learning experience, if I had it to do over again, I never would tether myself financially again, or emotionally, to this degree. And that is exactly what you do when you marry. For the woman, I believe we lose a ton of power once we say 'I do'. No, if I had a do over, I'd date, sure, remain faithful, of course, but never ever marry and probably keep separate house as well. Once a man has you, they just stop the necessary courtship. A woman needs the ongoing courtship to feel loved, appreciated and sexy. And when a woman feels that way, then the man is happy too. In my experience, things are hidden prior to marriage that perhaps would either be deal breakers if found out or maybe continue to be secret during a lengthy courtship, that may not matter as much in a dating situation.
For instance, in my situation, I did not realize the degree of damage, due to otherworldy abuse by a sick father, done to Michael. Sure, he mentioned his abuse and that he had years of therapy. But he was such a gentle soul and so loving and sweet during our courtship, and full of energy, and he was brilliant.
To the outside world, Michael is this handsome, zany, live wire, pied piper, full of energy, full of charm, very talented, capable and uber responsible. After our marriage, at home, things have fallen apart. Michael started out the primary breadwinner. He was the most romantic courting man I ever met. We were stone in love. After marriage, suddenly Michael grew sick, most vitality vaporized. If you ask him, on any given day, how he feels, he will say "exhausted". If you ask him how his day went, he will say "Terrible". What I saw first was the physical. He had a couple of focal siezures. He did not work for over 2 years, and I supported us. I was driven to distraction over worry for him. My whole life revolved around him like a planet orbiting his sun. For weeks, he had every sort of test and thing hooked up to him but nobody found anything wrong with him. sometimes I wonder if it is me wrong with him. Today, I suspect most of his issues to be of emotional origin, manifesting as these physical ailments. Everything, including the bedroom, is affected by his malaise. His dad beat him, knock him down flights of stairs, electrocuted him, so yes, he could have brain issues for real, but I find it very odd that in our 2 year courtship, where we saw each other several times per week and were together contstantly, that none of this presented during any of that time. This leads back to the secrets one keeps when one is courting. Like buying this brilliant car and then seeing the paint is peeled. These strange problems were well hidden from me.
After a couple of years around the house, he got bored and decided to work part time at Starbucks, as a Barista making 6 bucks an hour. He did that for 2 years before working full time as an assistant mgr and later a manager. True to form, he was unsurpassable and unstoppable at work. As a store manager, he created a million dollar store, mentored other stores and gained a huge following and worked the P&L like nobody's business. Any store he worked at for the day, became the highest grossing store! The man is amazing at work, but not at home. At Starbucks, he never got vacation time. When he'd try and take time off, something would come up and he'd have to come in. Additionally, he was on the phone with starbucks issues all day and all night long. I was routinely awoken out of deep sleep more times than I could ever count. 70 hour work weeks at 40-50k, and being awoken at all hours of the night, to my mind, is just not worth it; bad deal. I guess Starbucks had him where they wanted him, afraid of promoting him any further. Stupid choice for them as he is one of those rare individuals who can change a stock price. I am damn good at what I do, but I cannot do that one. My magic is much slower, and focused on revenue retention by treating the customer like gold. But you could never tie today's stock price with what I did last week, no. With my husband? Yes, absolutely, you could do that.
After years of trying to further promote, he quite and it was like a bad marriage. He is not allowed into the store! They escort him out! If he sends customers over to purchase coffee, the store manager refuses them service and asks that they leave! So Michael opened his own restaurant with a partner. Again, he is rocking everybody's socks off.
And then there is the financial thing. We argued about my spending, largely on property maintenance and furnishings, for ages, while I begged him to stop buying people gifts at Starbucks. He'd charge up $400.00 per month, buying people food and coffee there! I begged him to cut back on our grocery bill which was always over $2000 and sometimes over $4000, for 2 people! Now that I buy my own groceries, mine come to about $300 to $350 per month, and I eat organic.
I think people can run into huge fantasy and disconnect when it comes to financials, so why on earth marry them? In reality, I had been paying the mortgage and bills along with shoring up the differences in Michaels food costs for over a decade, because he literally did not earn enough to fill up his belly. Yet, if you asked him, he would tell you squarely I was a spendthrift who was going to leave him penniless.
In 2008, Michael left Starbucks to get his business going. He'd not saved any money back so again, I was fully supporting him for several months. Things got bitter when he made the mistake of stealing money from an account that I had set up under his employer, for both of us. Here I was stressed out about the food bill and how to pay the property taxes, and he was taking money secretly out of our stock account that was supposed to be for retirement investing.
When I caught the theft in January (which he'd denied 5 times until I shoved the statement in his face) he was unapologetic about taking the cash. In fact, he began switching his mail to the restaurant address, changing pin and password so that I no longer have access to this account.
In his mind, I had already taken enough, and he wanted his. Completely oblivious to the financial facts at hand. Effective March 09, I began to separate our finances, as much as can be done while married, so that I spreadsheet our joint bills and assure Michael pays exactly half. We each have our own account (s) that the other has no access to.
This is not my idea of what marriage is. But I have come to realize that we all enter into this sacred union with our own ideas of what is going to happen and sometimes, our partners have a whole other idea in mind.
I think, with rare exceptions, we don't all get married just to jack with each other. No, instead, what happens is we try to then suddenly create the marriage we think we should have, and that marriage we think we should have may just be quite shockingly different than the dating and courtship life we portrayed ourselves to be like!
Michael is clearly at odds with supporting a woman, supporting a home and complains bitterly about not ever having any money left after his paycheck. I remind him the only difference between now and prior to March 2009, is that, due to his own choices, he now supports himself and my paycheck does not pick up the overage.
Recently, he offered to help me pay a portion of some home repairs. I quickly said no, I am good without it. I know had I taken the money, it would have back fired on me later. No, as long as he pays half the mortgage, what is left from his paycheck is his to spend anyway he wants. I can handle myself just fine.
We still file jointly and for our 2009 taxes, Michael tried to hide the fact he blew through roughly 18k last year and none of that cash came into the home. In counselling, I have been advised to pull back emotionally and take care of me, which I am doing. I cannot fix him, he has to do that himself. He swears he doesn't do drugs, but where on earth does all that money go? I may never know. Recently, he barricaded himself inside his room...the entire day and night. His door shuts, but he went the extra mile of moving an end table, etc, to actually barricade the door and refused to allow me access. I needed the passcode to the wifi, which he slipped through the curtained door so I could not see anything but his hand. The next morning, he acted like nothing strange had happened, then asked me if I knew why there was all this stuff in front of his door. He claimed to not remember anything about what happened, our conversation, or barricading himself in with the end table, which is what he had told me earlier that he had used. He said he did not remember any of our conversation or anything about that day, except that all day and all night, he had dreams of his father. He said he would go back into therapy but he has not, claiming that he must now work Mondays and that is the only day the therapist can see him. I have offered him to leave, get his own place (and bathroom) and absolve him of any and all financial responsibility of this house but he insists he loves me and wants to stay with me. He holes up in his room or takes over my bathroom regularly.
I wonder if all marriages have these secret lives...look normal on the outside, sure they love each other, but neither one is really getting what they want and acting all crazy at home.
Before I agreed to marry Michael, I had one rule; that I must be first. I had to be first in all ways and that, in return, he would be first. What I see is his 30k per year job is first, and whatever hours he chooses to work is first, or his need to hole up in his room, or my bathroom is first. Sometimes I wonder at what place I am in his life. He can be very sweet, come home, fix dinner, sit and watch a movie with me. The next day he can be moody, fix nothing for dinner and just disappear into the bathroom and never come out until I have long since gone to bed without a shower. There is no warning.
What I know for sure is that we are not financial partners. He does not see where his leaving a 50k job for a 30k should involve me or affect me. His money should be his. I am learning to share less and make more of my money mine. I understand I would be very alone without him, but sometimes it seems more peaceful at least knowing the ground rules of my living with just myself. Sometimes, as many as 5 days can go by where we do not see each other, because of his holing up. There is little to no room for me to occasionally be the sick one because he is always ill. He spent so many years complaining about me to his mother, she finally asked that he divorce me or shut up about me. I wish him great happiness and to live his best life. But I am thinking of saving this year and getting my own place and just quietly moving out of his life if he will not move out of here. I would be curious to know if it brings his energy back or if he continues to hole up and hide in the bathroom after I am gone. Maybe I'll install a camera. :-)
For instance, in my situation, I did not realize the degree of damage, due to otherworldy abuse by a sick father, done to Michael. Sure, he mentioned his abuse and that he had years of therapy. But he was such a gentle soul and so loving and sweet during our courtship, and full of energy, and he was brilliant.
To the outside world, Michael is this handsome, zany, live wire, pied piper, full of energy, full of charm, very talented, capable and uber responsible. After our marriage, at home, things have fallen apart. Michael started out the primary breadwinner. He was the most romantic courting man I ever met. We were stone in love. After marriage, suddenly Michael grew sick, most vitality vaporized. If you ask him, on any given day, how he feels, he will say "exhausted". If you ask him how his day went, he will say "Terrible". What I saw first was the physical. He had a couple of focal siezures. He did not work for over 2 years, and I supported us. I was driven to distraction over worry for him. My whole life revolved around him like a planet orbiting his sun. For weeks, he had every sort of test and thing hooked up to him but nobody found anything wrong with him. sometimes I wonder if it is me wrong with him. Today, I suspect most of his issues to be of emotional origin, manifesting as these physical ailments. Everything, including the bedroom, is affected by his malaise. His dad beat him, knock him down flights of stairs, electrocuted him, so yes, he could have brain issues for real, but I find it very odd that in our 2 year courtship, where we saw each other several times per week and were together contstantly, that none of this presented during any of that time. This leads back to the secrets one keeps when one is courting. Like buying this brilliant car and then seeing the paint is peeled. These strange problems were well hidden from me.
After a couple of years around the house, he got bored and decided to work part time at Starbucks, as a Barista making 6 bucks an hour. He did that for 2 years before working full time as an assistant mgr and later a manager. True to form, he was unsurpassable and unstoppable at work. As a store manager, he created a million dollar store, mentored other stores and gained a huge following and worked the P&L like nobody's business. Any store he worked at for the day, became the highest grossing store! The man is amazing at work, but not at home. At Starbucks, he never got vacation time. When he'd try and take time off, something would come up and he'd have to come in. Additionally, he was on the phone with starbucks issues all day and all night long. I was routinely awoken out of deep sleep more times than I could ever count. 70 hour work weeks at 40-50k, and being awoken at all hours of the night, to my mind, is just not worth it; bad deal. I guess Starbucks had him where they wanted him, afraid of promoting him any further. Stupid choice for them as he is one of those rare individuals who can change a stock price. I am damn good at what I do, but I cannot do that one. My magic is much slower, and focused on revenue retention by treating the customer like gold. But you could never tie today's stock price with what I did last week, no. With my husband? Yes, absolutely, you could do that.
After years of trying to further promote, he quite and it was like a bad marriage. He is not allowed into the store! They escort him out! If he sends customers over to purchase coffee, the store manager refuses them service and asks that they leave! So Michael opened his own restaurant with a partner. Again, he is rocking everybody's socks off.
And then there is the financial thing. We argued about my spending, largely on property maintenance and furnishings, for ages, while I begged him to stop buying people gifts at Starbucks. He'd charge up $400.00 per month, buying people food and coffee there! I begged him to cut back on our grocery bill which was always over $2000 and sometimes over $4000, for 2 people! Now that I buy my own groceries, mine come to about $300 to $350 per month, and I eat organic.
I think people can run into huge fantasy and disconnect when it comes to financials, so why on earth marry them? In reality, I had been paying the mortgage and bills along with shoring up the differences in Michaels food costs for over a decade, because he literally did not earn enough to fill up his belly. Yet, if you asked him, he would tell you squarely I was a spendthrift who was going to leave him penniless.
In 2008, Michael left Starbucks to get his business going. He'd not saved any money back so again, I was fully supporting him for several months. Things got bitter when he made the mistake of stealing money from an account that I had set up under his employer, for both of us. Here I was stressed out about the food bill and how to pay the property taxes, and he was taking money secretly out of our stock account that was supposed to be for retirement investing.
When I caught the theft in January (which he'd denied 5 times until I shoved the statement in his face) he was unapologetic about taking the cash. In fact, he began switching his mail to the restaurant address, changing pin and password so that I no longer have access to this account.
In his mind, I had already taken enough, and he wanted his. Completely oblivious to the financial facts at hand. Effective March 09, I began to separate our finances, as much as can be done while married, so that I spreadsheet our joint bills and assure Michael pays exactly half. We each have our own account (s) that the other has no access to.
This is not my idea of what marriage is. But I have come to realize that we all enter into this sacred union with our own ideas of what is going to happen and sometimes, our partners have a whole other idea in mind.
I think, with rare exceptions, we don't all get married just to jack with each other. No, instead, what happens is we try to then suddenly create the marriage we think we should have, and that marriage we think we should have may just be quite shockingly different than the dating and courtship life we portrayed ourselves to be like!
Michael is clearly at odds with supporting a woman, supporting a home and complains bitterly about not ever having any money left after his paycheck. I remind him the only difference between now and prior to March 2009, is that, due to his own choices, he now supports himself and my paycheck does not pick up the overage.
Recently, he offered to help me pay a portion of some home repairs. I quickly said no, I am good without it. I know had I taken the money, it would have back fired on me later. No, as long as he pays half the mortgage, what is left from his paycheck is his to spend anyway he wants. I can handle myself just fine.
We still file jointly and for our 2009 taxes, Michael tried to hide the fact he blew through roughly 18k last year and none of that cash came into the home. In counselling, I have been advised to pull back emotionally and take care of me, which I am doing. I cannot fix him, he has to do that himself. He swears he doesn't do drugs, but where on earth does all that money go? I may never know. Recently, he barricaded himself inside his room...the entire day and night. His door shuts, but he went the extra mile of moving an end table, etc, to actually barricade the door and refused to allow me access. I needed the passcode to the wifi, which he slipped through the curtained door so I could not see anything but his hand. The next morning, he acted like nothing strange had happened, then asked me if I knew why there was all this stuff in front of his door. He claimed to not remember anything about what happened, our conversation, or barricading himself in with the end table, which is what he had told me earlier that he had used. He said he did not remember any of our conversation or anything about that day, except that all day and all night, he had dreams of his father. He said he would go back into therapy but he has not, claiming that he must now work Mondays and that is the only day the therapist can see him. I have offered him to leave, get his own place (and bathroom) and absolve him of any and all financial responsibility of this house but he insists he loves me and wants to stay with me. He holes up in his room or takes over my bathroom regularly.
I wonder if all marriages have these secret lives...look normal on the outside, sure they love each other, but neither one is really getting what they want and acting all crazy at home.
Before I agreed to marry Michael, I had one rule; that I must be first. I had to be first in all ways and that, in return, he would be first. What I see is his 30k per year job is first, and whatever hours he chooses to work is first, or his need to hole up in his room, or my bathroom is first. Sometimes I wonder at what place I am in his life. He can be very sweet, come home, fix dinner, sit and watch a movie with me. The next day he can be moody, fix nothing for dinner and just disappear into the bathroom and never come out until I have long since gone to bed without a shower. There is no warning.
What I know for sure is that we are not financial partners. He does not see where his leaving a 50k job for a 30k should involve me or affect me. His money should be his. I am learning to share less and make more of my money mine. I understand I would be very alone without him, but sometimes it seems more peaceful at least knowing the ground rules of my living with just myself. Sometimes, as many as 5 days can go by where we do not see each other, because of his holing up. There is little to no room for me to occasionally be the sick one because he is always ill. He spent so many years complaining about me to his mother, she finally asked that he divorce me or shut up about me. I wish him great happiness and to live his best life. But I am thinking of saving this year and getting my own place and just quietly moving out of his life if he will not move out of here. I would be curious to know if it brings his energy back or if he continues to hole up and hide in the bathroom after I am gone. Maybe I'll install a camera. :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
