Dr. Phil Didn't Respond

Marriage. While it has been quite a learning experience, if I had it to do over again, I never would tether myself financially again, or emotionally, to this degree. And that is exactly what you do when you marry. For the woman, I believe we lose a ton of power once we say 'I do'. No, if I had a do over, I'd date, sure, remain faithful, of course, but never ever marry and probably keep separate house as well. Once a man has you, they just stop the necessary courtship. A woman needs the ongoing courtship to feel loved, appreciated and sexy. And when a woman feels that way, then the man is happy too. In my experience, things are hidden prior to marriage that perhaps would either be deal breakers if found out or maybe continue to be secret during a lengthy courtship, that may not matter as much in a dating situation.

For instance, in my situation, I did not realize the degree of damage, due to otherworldy abuse by a sick father, done to Michael. Sure, he mentioned his abuse and that he had years of therapy. But he was such a gentle soul and so loving and sweet during our courtship, and full of energy, and he was brilliant.
To the outside world, Michael is this handsome, zany, live wire, pied piper, full of energy, full of charm, very talented, capable and uber responsible. After our marriage, at home, things have fallen apart. Michael started out the primary breadwinner. He was the most romantic courting man I ever met. We were stone in love. After marriage, suddenly Michael grew sick, most vitality vaporized. If you ask him, on any given day, how he feels, he will say "exhausted". If you ask him how his day went, he will say "Terrible". What I saw first was the physical. He had a couple of focal siezures. He did not work for over 2 years, and I supported us. I was driven to distraction over worry for him. My whole life revolved around him like a planet orbiting his sun. For weeks, he had every sort of test and thing hooked up to him but nobody found anything wrong with him. sometimes I wonder if it is me wrong with him. Today, I suspect most of his issues to be of emotional origin, manifesting as these physical ailments. Everything, including the bedroom, is affected by his malaise. His dad beat him, knock him down flights of stairs, electrocuted him, so yes, he could have brain issues for real, but I find it very odd that in our 2 year courtship, where we saw each other several times per week and were together contstantly, that none of this presented during any of that time. This leads back to the secrets one keeps when one is courting. Like buying this brilliant car and then seeing the paint is peeled. These strange problems were well hidden from me.

After a couple of years around the house, he got bored and decided to work part time at Starbucks, as a Barista making 6 bucks an hour. He did that for 2 years before working full time as an assistant mgr and later a manager. True to form, he was unsurpassable and unstoppable at work. As a store manager, he created a million dollar store, mentored other stores and gained a huge following and worked the P&L like nobody's business. Any store he worked at for the day, became the highest grossing store! The man is amazing at work, but not at home. At Starbucks, he never got vacation time. When he'd try and take time off, something would come up and he'd have to come in. Additionally, he was on the phone with starbucks issues all day and all night long. I was routinely awoken out of deep sleep more times than I could ever count. 70 hour work weeks at 40-50k, and being awoken at all hours of the night, to my mind, is just not worth it; bad deal. I guess Starbucks had him where they wanted him, afraid of promoting him any further. Stupid choice for them as he is one of those rare individuals who can change a stock price. I am damn good at what I do, but I cannot do that one. My magic is much slower, and focused on revenue retention by treating the customer like gold. But you could never tie today's stock price with what I did last week, no. With my husband? Yes, absolutely, you could do that.
After years of trying to further promote, he quite and it was like a bad marriage. He is not allowed into the store! They escort him out! If he sends customers over to purchase coffee, the store manager refuses them service and asks that they leave! So Michael opened his own restaurant with a partner. Again, he is rocking everybody's socks off.

And then there is the financial thing. We argued about my spending, largely on property maintenance and furnishings, for ages, while I begged him to stop buying people gifts at Starbucks. He'd charge up $400.00 per month, buying people food and coffee there! I begged him to cut back on our grocery bill which was always over $2000 and sometimes over $4000, for 2 people! Now that I buy my own groceries, mine come to about $300 to $350 per month, and I eat organic.
I think people can run into huge fantasy and disconnect when it comes to financials, so why on earth marry them? In reality, I had been paying the mortgage and bills along with shoring up the differences in Michaels food costs for over a decade, because he literally did not earn enough to fill up his belly. Yet, if you asked him, he would tell you squarely I was a spendthrift who was going to leave him penniless.
In 2008, Michael left Starbucks to get his business going. He'd not saved any money back so again, I was fully supporting him for several months. Things got bitter when he made the mistake of stealing money from an account that I had set up under his employer, for both of us. Here I was stressed out about the food bill and how to pay the property taxes, and he was taking money secretly out of our stock account that was supposed to be for retirement investing.
When I caught the theft in January (which he'd denied 5 times until I shoved the statement in his face) he was unapologetic about taking the cash. In fact, he began switching his mail to the restaurant address, changing pin and password so that I no longer have access to this account.

In his mind, I had already taken enough, and he wanted his. Completely oblivious to the financial facts at hand. Effective March 09, I began to separate our finances, as much as can be done while married, so that I spreadsheet our joint bills and assure Michael pays exactly half. We each have our own account (s) that the other has no access to.

This is not my idea of what marriage is. But I have come to realize that we all enter into this sacred union with our own ideas of what is going to happen and sometimes, our partners have a whole other idea in mind.

I think, with rare exceptions, we don't all get married just to jack with each other. No, instead, what happens is we try to then suddenly create the marriage we think we should have, and that marriage we think we should have may just be quite shockingly different than the dating and courtship life we portrayed ourselves to be like!

Michael is clearly at odds with supporting a woman, supporting a home and complains bitterly about not ever having any money left after his paycheck. I remind him the only difference between now and prior to March 2009, is that, due to his own choices, he now supports himself and my paycheck does not pick up the overage.

Recently, he offered to help me pay a portion of some home repairs. I quickly said no, I am good without it. I know had I taken the money, it would have back fired on me later. No, as long as he pays half the mortgage, what is left from his paycheck is his to spend anyway he wants. I can handle myself just fine.

We still file jointly and for our 2009 taxes, Michael tried to hide the fact he blew through roughly 18k last year and none of that cash came into the home. In counselling, I have been advised to pull back emotionally and take care of me, which I am doing. I cannot fix him, he has to do that himself. He swears he doesn't do drugs, but where on earth does all that money go? I may never know. Recently, he barricaded himself inside his room...the entire day and night. His door shuts, but he went the extra mile of moving an end table, etc, to actually barricade the door and refused to allow me access. I needed the passcode to the wifi, which he slipped through the curtained door so I could not see anything but his hand. The next morning, he acted like nothing strange had happened, then asked me if I knew why there was all this stuff in front of his door. He claimed to not remember anything about what happened, our conversation, or barricading himself in with the end table, which is what he had told me earlier that he had used. He said he did not remember any of our conversation or anything about that day, except that all day and all night, he had dreams of his father. He said he would go back into therapy but he has not, claiming that he must now work Mondays and that is the only day the therapist can see him. I have offered him to leave, get his own place (and bathroom) and absolve him of any and all financial responsibility of this house but he insists he loves me and wants to stay with me. He holes up in his room or takes over my bathroom regularly.

I wonder if all marriages have these secret lives...look normal on the outside, sure they love each other, but neither one is really getting what they want and acting all crazy at home.

Before I agreed to marry Michael, I had one rule; that I must be first. I had to be first in all ways and that, in return, he would be first. What I see is his 30k per year job is first, and whatever hours he chooses to work is first, or his need to hole up in his room, or my bathroom is first. Sometimes I wonder at what place I am in his life. He can be very sweet, come home, fix dinner, sit and watch a movie with me. The next day he can be moody, fix nothing for dinner and just disappear into the bathroom and never come out until I have long since gone to bed without a shower. There is no warning.

What I know for sure is that we are not financial partners. He does not see where his leaving a 50k job for a 30k should involve me or affect me. His money should be his. I am learning to share less and make more of my money mine. I understand I would be very alone without him, but sometimes it seems more peaceful at least knowing the ground rules of my living with just myself. Sometimes, as many as 5 days can go by where we do not see each other, because of his holing up. There is little to no room for me to occasionally be the sick one because he is always ill. He spent so many years complaining about me to his mother, she finally asked that he divorce me or shut up about me. I wish him great happiness and to live his best life. But I am thinking of saving this year and getting my own place and just quietly moving out of his life if he will not move out of here. I would be curious to know if it brings his energy back or if he continues to hole up and hide in the bathroom after I am gone. Maybe I'll install a camera. :-)